By PHATLAW Staff

PHATLAW has learned that the Judge in the Phil Spector murder trial has declared a mistrial.  In court today, the jury foreperson announced that the jury was deadlocked with 10 people voting Guilty and 2 people voting Not Guilty.

PHATLAW readers will recall that The Creepy One was charged with the murder of actress Lana Clarkson nearly 5 years ago.  Spector’s counsel argued that Clarkson committed suicide.  Apparently, the suicide defense worked as Spector is free to roam L.A. County.  A spokesperson for the DA’s office stated that they will re-try The Dude with the Ever-changing Do. 

A mistrial means that a new jury will be picked and the case is re-tried in its entirety.  So, pre-trial motions will be re-argued; the witnesses will be re-called to the stand; and the evidence will be re-scrutinized by 24 new eyes.  The problem with a re-trial in a highly publicized case is finding 12 jurors that have not heard of this case before and have not formed any opinion as to the guilt or innocence of the Defendant.  In this case, that will be toughy.  Hopefully, with a re-trial, L.A. county can find new DAs to prosecute this case as the current ones screwed this up royally.  The parties are back in court on October 3rd.

PhatThought: It never ceases to amaze PHATLAW that a little celebrity status somehow results in either a Not Guilty or Mistrial in cases of purported obvious guilt.  So, we can now add Phil Spector’s name to the list of B-listers (O.J. and the “Barretta” Guy) who have been let off the hook on a murder rap.

PHATLAW will continue to post the latest developments in this case.

By Phatlaw.com Staff

PHATLAW has learned from multiple (some reliable, some not so much) sources that Counter-Terrorist Unit (”CTU”) super-agent Jack Bauer was busted for suspicion of DUI late Monday night/early Tuesday morning in West Hollywood.

Apparently Agent Bauer was busted while undercover and was going by the code name “Kiefer Sutherland” at the time of his arrest.  Before Bauer’s alter-ego “Kiefer” was busted, he was in attendance at the FOX Fall Eco-Casino party at Area nightclub in Hollywood.

These reports confirm PHATLAW’s longstanding suspicions that agent Bauer has been undercover in an ongoing, super-secretive sting operation in attempt to infiltrate the Hollywood Glitterati since the early 1980s.  America totally bought it.  All the while when Jack and Diane Six-Pack were at the Cinemark watching such classic films as “Young Guns I & II”, “Flatliners”, and of course, “The Lost Boys”they thought they were actually watching an actor named “Kiefer Sutherland”.  In actuality we were all watching a young Jack Bauer pose as “Kiefer” in an attempt to link the Glitterati with Middle-East insurgent groups.  Amazing.

Sources, which shall remain unnamed (and perhaps don’t even exist) report that while on the set of “The Lost Boys”, Jack/Kiefer drank actual blood (even when the camera wasn’t rolling) and beat Nintendo’s Contra, without the using the infamous code, with only his thumb–while driving drunk.

This isn’t Jack’s first time being busted while undercover as “Kiefer”.  Jack pleaded guilty in 1989 and 1993 to reckless driving charges, and in 2004 to driving with a Blood Alcohol Level about California’s legal limit of .08. 

The 1989 bust lends credence to PHATLAW’s theory that “Kiefer” is really a Bauer secret identity.  In connection with his 1989 arrest, Jack/Kiefer was charged with carrying a concealed weapon in a vehicle and carrying a loaded firearm in a public place.  Why would a young Hollywood actor need to drive around with a loaded gun?  Simple, because it was actually a young, undercover Jack Bauer looking to take out that commie Sean Penn.

PhatThought:  Even if Jack Bauer is put in jail..what jail could hold him?

PHATLAW will continue to post the latest developments in this case.

By PHATLAW Staff

Just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse for Michael Vick, it did.  The former Falcon’s superstar and future federal inmate violated the conditions of his release when his urine sample tested positive for Marijuna.  The federal court judge in charge of sentencing Vick in his criminal case ordered home confinement, electronic monitoring and further alcohol and drug testing for the former Virgina Tech graduate.  If he fails another drug test, Vick will be confined behind bars pending his December sentencing hearing.

Earlier this week state authorities anounced they were pressing criminal charges related to the dog fighting ring against Vick in addition to the federal charges to which he plead guilty.  Certainly, the million dollar question that we will be asking ourselves will be can Mike Vick make it until the December 10th sentencing hearing without blazing a fatty.  PHATLAW hopes for Vick’s sake he can but we wouldn’t bet on it. 

PhatThought:  How does that song go?  Because I got high because I got high. Looks like Vick may go to jail early because he got he…because he got high.

PHATLAW will continue to post the latest developments in this case.

By PHATLAW Staff

PHATLAW has learned that Surry County DA, Gerald Poindexter, has indicted Vick on Virginia state dog fighting charges.  PHATLAW readers will recall that the former Atlanta Falcon QB already faces up to 5 years in jail on federal dogfighting conspiracy charges.

PHATLAW doesn’t know how the DA plans to make these state charges stick because a person can’t be prosecuted twice for the same crime.  The facts and the law surrounding both the state and federal charges stem from Vick’s involved in a dogfighting ring wherein several dogs were tortured and killed.  To that end, the federal charges should trump the state charges.

PhatThought: It looks like the dog days of summer are still upon Michael Vick.

PHATLAW will continue to post the latest developments in this case. 

By PHATLAW Staff

Debra Opri has filed yet another lawsuit against Larry Birkhead.  In a lawsuit filed today in L.A. County Superior Court, Opri alleges defamation, fraud, and breach of contract. Opri claims that Birkhead slandered her during his recent interview on “Larry King Live.”

The slanderous statements were apparently Birkhead’s claims that Opri leaked confidential information in his paternity case to Rita Cosby who wrote a tell-all about the life and death of Anna Nicole Smith.  Opri goes on to claim that Birkhead’s interview has harmed her ethics and her reputation.  To that end, she is seeking unspecified damages.

PHATLAW is not sure why Opri is alleging breach of contract in this current suit because she already has a suit pending for breach of contract.  Moreover, truth is an absolute defense to slander.  So, if Opri did leak confidential documents, then she is SOOL in proving her slander claims.  Also, fraud is an allegation that has to be pled with specificity; i.e. allegations of time of events, exact actions taken, and exact harm felt.  So, if the allegations of fraud are in any way speculative, look for this count to be dismissed.

PhatThought: Opri v. Birkhead is like the modern day Hatfields and McCoys.  The only difference is that these two are trying to kill each other by inundating the other with lawsuits.

PHATLAW will continue to post the latest developments in this case.

By PHATLAW Staff

The form Chicago Bull is being investigated by the Orange County Sheriff’s Department for sexual assault.  The alleged sexual assault took place in Dana Point, California (near Laguna Beach) at a bar called Hennessey’s Tavern.  According to an eye witness, Madonna’s ex-lover supposedly smacked a female patron’s ass so hard that it left a “major mark.”

A police report was taken and the allegations are currently being investigated by the Sex Crimes Unit of the Sheriff’s Department.  Since these allegations relate to a sex crime, the penalties related to a conviction are stiff.  For instance, individuals who are charged with any sex crime generally face a number of harsh penalties including imprisonment, heavy fines, monetary restitution to the victim, mandatory rehabilitation, and sex offender registration to name only a few. 

PhatThought:  If found/pled guilty, the former Piston/Bull may be on the other end of the “smack that ass” show.

PHATLAW will continue to post the latest developments in this case.

By PHATLAW Staff

According to PHATLAW sources, the Former Heavy Weight Champion of the World pled guilty to one count each of DUI and drug possession charges.  The charges stem from an arrest last year in Arizona wherein the police found bags of cocaine in Tyson’s possession.  In exchange for a guilty plea, the D.A. dropped the two other charges of DUI and drug possession.

The Ear Biting Boxer is back in court on November 19th for sentencing purposes.  Since the Tattooed One has a criminal record, don’t expect the Judge to be all to lenient on these drug charges.  Depending upon the laws in Arizona, possession of a controlled substance (like cocaine) may carry a mandatory sentence of 5 years in jail. 

PhatThought: If Iron Mike is sent back to jail, he can work on the remaining two inches of his face that isn’t covered in tattoos.

PHATLAW will continue to post the latest developments in this case. 

By Phatlaw.com Staff

 

In what can only be described as shocking news, former world heavyweight champ, convicted rapist, and all-around scary motherfu**er Mike Tyson pleaded to one count of driving under the influence and one count of drug possession today. 

The guilty pleas stem from his arrest last year in Arizona.  Tyson was arrested December 29, 2006, as he drove away from a bar.  An intoxicated Tyson nearly crashed his vehicle into a police car.  A subsequent search of Tyson’s vehicle revealed three bags of cocaine, or as Tech Support refers to it…breakfast.

Maricopa County Attorney has stated he will seek jail time for Tyson at the upcoming sentencing hearing to help Tyson break his admitted addiction and to protect the public.

Give us a break.  Protect the public, maybe…temporarily.  But help him break a drug habit?! No way.  PHATLAW staffers have seen such classic prison movies as “Blood In, Blood Out”, “American Me”, and “American History X” and if these movies teach us anything it is that all prisoners do is drugs.  Drugs and rape.

Having seen these movies (thereby qualifying ourselves as experts on prison life) we recommend an alternative sentence/punishment for Tyson; one that would really benefit society:  a)  have Tyson star in a real life network version of the hit movie “The Running Man”, or b)  have Tyson fight against the three toughest inmates in a UFC match to the death.  The pay-per-view costs could be used to fund education or abortions.

PhatThought:  If you read this article Mike, know that is was entirely conceived, written, and posted by Tech Support.

PHATLAW will continue to post the latest developments in this case.

By PHATLAW Staff

PHATLAW has learned that Dan Rather has sued CBS, Viacom, Inc. and three of his former bosses for tarnishing his reputation and making him be the fall guy for the discredited report of President Bush’s National Guard Services.  The Complaint alleges: 1) breach of contract; 2) breach of fiduciary duty; 3) fraud; 4) breach of implied covenant of good faith and fair dealing; 5) tortious interference with contract; 6) tortious interference with prospective business relations; and 7) prima facie tort.

The former anchorman is seeking $70 million in damages.  Assuming the terms of Rather’s contract says that he can only be fired for just cause, he might have a legitimate and winnable beef against his former employer.  Rather likely only reports the news.  It is doubtful that the former CBS front man is in the trenches and conducts research himself.  Thus, to make him the scapegoat for bad research is likely not “just cause” to fire him.  Look for CBS and the other defendants to settle this matter quickly. 

PhatThought: For $70 Million, someone can discredit this PHATLAW staffer any time. 

PHATLAW will continue to post the latest developments in this case.

By PHATLAW Staff

The Juice is back in his home state of Florida after posting $125,000 bail.  If you ask PHATLAW that is getting off cheap.  Especially since the HEISMAN winner was popped in 1996 in Vegas (of all places) for armed robbery.  According to the 1996 police reports, the Hall of Fame running back held up a restaurant delivery guy and took money, keys, and large amounts of food.  With the current charges against him, plus this 1996 arrest for armed robbery PHATLAW is stunned that The Juice was let out of jail so easily. 

PhatThought: At the rate this case is going, The Juice will be let off the hook again.  Free to aimlessly roam the country seeking out his next victim(s). 

PHATLAW will continue to post the latest developments in this case.