By PHATLAW Staff

Super-agent Jack Bauer / Hollywood Bad-Boy Kiefer Sutherland entered a plea of “no contest” yesterday via his attorney Blair Berk.

The Los Angeles City Attorney’s office then issued a sentence recommendation of 48 days in the slammer.  Sources report the 48 days will be split over the winter and summer so as to minimize any interruption to the filming of the FOX’s hit series “24”.  In addition to his jail time, Kiefer will not be permitted to drive until sometime in 2008.

I know all of you readers are wondering “what the hell is no-contest plea”?  A “no contest” plea is when in criminal law, a defendant pleas in court that he will not contest the charge of a particular crime. While technically not an admission of guilt for commission of the crime, the judge will treat a plea of “no contest” as such an admission and proceed to find the defendant guilty as charged.

That is the standard definition of a “no-contest” plea, but PHATLAW things the legal term has a different meaning in the Bauer/Sutherland context presented here.  Bauer was most likely saying it would be “no-contest” if he were to engage in a bare-knuckle fist fight with the LA prosecutors assigned to the case, the judge, and the LA Dodgers.  Or, in the alternative, he may have meant it would be “no contest” if he were to engage in a footrace with Marion “Juiced” Jones and/or The Flash.  In any event, the Judge misunderstood and will probably treat his plea in similar fashion to a guilty plea.

PhatThought:  If Bauer can withstand months of torture at the hands of the Chinese, a couple weeks in LA jail will be a walk in the park.

PHATLAW will continue to post the latest developments in this case.

By Phatlaw.com Staff

PHATLAW has learned from multiple (some reliable, some not so much) sources that Counter-Terrorist Unit (”CTU”) super-agent Jack Bauer was busted for suspicion of DUI late Monday night/early Tuesday morning in West Hollywood.

Apparently Agent Bauer was busted while undercover and was going by the code name “Kiefer Sutherland” at the time of his arrest.  Before Bauer’s alter-ego “Kiefer” was busted, he was in attendance at the FOX Fall Eco-Casino party at Area nightclub in Hollywood.

These reports confirm PHATLAW’s longstanding suspicions that agent Bauer has been undercover in an ongoing, super-secretive sting operation in attempt to infiltrate the Hollywood Glitterati since the early 1980s.  America totally bought it.  All the while when Jack and Diane Six-Pack were at the Cinemark watching such classic films as “Young Guns I & II”, “Flatliners”, and of course, “The Lost Boys”they thought they were actually watching an actor named “Kiefer Sutherland”.  In actuality we were all watching a young Jack Bauer pose as “Kiefer” in an attempt to link the Glitterati with Middle-East insurgent groups.  Amazing.

Sources, which shall remain unnamed (and perhaps don’t even exist) report that while on the set of “The Lost Boys”, Jack/Kiefer drank actual blood (even when the camera wasn’t rolling) and beat Nintendo’s Contra, without the using the infamous code, with only his thumb–while driving drunk.

This isn’t Jack’s first time being busted while undercover as “Kiefer”.  Jack pleaded guilty in 1989 and 1993 to reckless driving charges, and in 2004 to driving with a Blood Alcohol Level about California’s legal limit of .08. 

The 1989 bust lends credence to PHATLAW’s theory that “Kiefer” is really a Bauer secret identity.  In connection with his 1989 arrest, Jack/Kiefer was charged with carrying a concealed weapon in a vehicle and carrying a loaded firearm in a public place.  Why would a young Hollywood actor need to drive around with a loaded gun?  Simple, because it was actually a young, undercover Jack Bauer looking to take out that commie Sean Penn.

PhatThought:  Even if Jack Bauer is put in jail..what jail could hold him?

PHATLAW will continue to post the latest developments in this case.