By PHATLAW Staff

PHATLAW has learned that everybody’s favorite Mr. Mom, Kevin Federline, is heading back to court tomorrow.  TMZ reports he will argue Britney is violating the Commissioner’s order compelling her to submit to random drug tests. Apparently, Mr. PopoZao’s lawyer, Mark Vincent Kaplan will argue that Britney has failed to timely respond when she is called to submit to her required, random drug tests.  Kaplan will further request Spears’ visitation rights be lessened as a consequence for her failure to follow the court’s order.

We are sure this will be heartbreaking news to Brit.  Without her pesky kids around, she will be free to freebase Comet and eat Flaming Hot Cheetohs.  Everything is coming up Britney!

PhatThought:  PHATLAW is puzzled by Britney’s refusal to timely submit to her random drug tests.  As Tech Support can attest to—those things are easy to beat….just stay indoors all day long playing online fantasy games and never, ever do drugs or have any other sort of real life fun.

PHATLAW will continue to post the latest developments in this case.

By PHATLAW Staff

The star of MTV’s “Viva La Bam”, Uncle “Don” Vito, has been found guilty of two counts of sexual assault on a minor. TMZ reports he was acquitted on a third pending charge.

 The Don was charged with fondling teen girls following an appearance at a mall in suburban Denver, Colorado. Don Vito reportedly crashed to the ground and shouted “just kill me now” after the guilty verdict was read. Surprisingly enough, the bailiffs did not kill him, opting instead to take him into custody.

Vito still faces several other charges relating to various bail violations. He faces sentencing on December 20th for the assault charges. The real victim here (besides the poor girls who this fat f**k groped—it conjures images of Jabba the Hut and Princes Leia in her chain-link costume from “Return of the Jedi”, but we digress) is MTV. Who in their right mind will watch “Viva La Bam” now? The answer—no one.

When we noted above that Don Vito was “the star” of the show, we weren’t kidding. Bam Margera is one of the most annoying reality tv stars out there. We would like to hang him by those queer scarves he seems ever so fond of. PHATLAW’s has attempted to consult with resident alleged pedophile Tech Support for this thoughts on the matter. Several calls were not returned. However, according to a comment left by Strupac on yesterday’s Pierce Brosnan piece—Tech Support has been “juicing”. So, Tech Support is either unavailable because he is taking steroids and in the gym or stocking up on Hi-C juice boxes with which he will lure young trick or treaters into his apartment (a possible alternative definition for “juicing”).

PhatThought: Happy Halloween! To our female readers: Happy great-excuse-to-dress-like-a-total-venereal disease-ridden-slut-day. On a side note, if any total-venereal disease-ridden-sluts want to go out with any PHATLAW staffer—please email. We are desperately lonely. And stunningly handsome.

PHATLAW will continue to post the latest developments in this case.